Personal Essay

Because when your fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You’re gonna believe them
And when you’re fifteen, don’t forget to look before you fall
I’ve found time can heal almost anything
And you just might find who you’re supposed to be
I didn’t know who I was supposed to be
At Fifteen
Taylor Swift - Fifteen
As a child I was petrified of the revolving doors at hotels. The manner in which they spun around and around almost crippling me in their mesmerizing ways until I could snap back into reality and jump out as fast as I could. The first day of high school I was a strong and independent young woman who was prepared to take down anyone who got in the way of my future. I wasn’t at all prepared to have the world around me turn into one gigantic revolving door that I hoped I could jump out of and land flat on my feet.
It all began with a boy I couldn’t get enough of, he was my best friend, and my boyfriend. Could there be anything better than that? We were two peas in a pod and practically inseparable. He showered me with love, told me he loved me more than anything in the world and I believed every word he said. I become so overwhelmed with the instant connection that I didn’t see the revolving door starting to spin. Just like when I was younger, I was becoming mesmerized.
Initially it was a slow process, so slow I was unaware of the changes. It began with a subtle please don’t wear that, or don’t talk to that person because “I love you too much to loose you”. Those subtle hints turned into an ongoing problem that I could no longer ignore. They grew into specific colors that I could no longer wear. It was uncanny the way he could manipulate my mind into thinking there was nothing wrong in the fact that I went from having an overwhelming amount of friends to having none. Boys were not figures to be looked at, and my hair and make up was a part of me not meant to be done. I didn’t have to look good for anyone else he said, and I had no reason not to believe him. In the first year of our relationship he had overwhelmed me with love and devotion that I thought resembled a mature relationship, I didn’t know any better.
The final straw came when it became spring and my traveling soccer team was beginning once again. I became petrified of the repercussions I would get it we scrimmaged the boys team that practiced in a nearby field. One day I miraculously become sick in the middle of practice about five minutes before we scrimmaged the boys and I left just in time. Everyday became a battle against myself. I felt detached from my friends, my family and myself. My revolving door was spinning faster and faster by the hour and I began to snap back and look for my way out.
After endless weeks of crying myself to sleep I stuck up for myself and began to peel back the many layers I was using to protect myself. I took a leap of faith and trusted myself in knowing I was doing the right thing. After taking my leap and breaking up with him it took a while for me to realize that I had landed on my feet and I would live on.
Even now there are moments when that I realize my underlying trust issues. I had to rebuild my life, and try to make all my friends back. I hadn’t been able to tear down my walls and allow trust to brew enough to let another person in my live and have the possibility to relive my past. At times I would forget I didn’t have to pull my shirt down or I could wear whichever color I pleased. It has taken an unbelievable amount of time to regain my “kick ass” personality and truly believe that I have control of my life. My first relationship gave me valuable life lessons and a chance to grow and prosper from my experiences. I now look at that relationship as a gift send from heaven. I am grateful that I have had a chance to move on and learn before it had a chance to alter my life. I jumped off out of my revolving doors with my eyes shut and faith in my hand, and I am now standing tall and confident in myself and my morals.